“Would people know I lost my virginity?”
“Is it as painful as they say it is?”
“Would I turn back to a virgin again if I abstain for a very long time after the first time?”
“How do you enjoy something painful?”
“Will she think I am weakling with this inexperience?”
In my opinion, virgins are the most sexually inquisitive people in the world. They want to explore all ideas about sex before getting involved. However, the truth is that you can’t know all you need to know about sex until you have sex.
Today, I’ll be giving six helpful answers to some common inquisitive thoughts that virgins have.
You are not less important or more important
As they say, “virginity is a social construct”. Every human is naturally born a virgin so, you are not less of a person because you don’t have sex. Don’t feel any pressure to rush into anything to avoid regrets when you give in.
You are also not more important than a sexually active person. Virginity adds no extra value to you. Virgins are not immortal and they still have problems like every other human being. This brings me to my next point.
It is not a trophy/gift
Don’t expect special treatment for having sex for the first time. It can be psychologically traumatic for you when things don’t go your way. This is why I hear statements like; “He didn’t appreciate my gift to him.” Or “He didn’t even act like it was special.” No, he won’t dear.
I understand that it is supposed to be special but let it be special for you alone. Treat yourself to a good meal; buy yourself a gift if you must, but don’t expect to be treated like a queen. There will always be mixed feelings on both sides. I talked about this in a social forum and I got these answers;
“ I can’t date a virgin. The last one I dated made me feel like I took her whole being. She could not do anything else. She made me pay for everything in cash and in “peace of mind”.” – Kelvin
“We never had sex. That would have killed her. I don’t know how to handle situations like that. There is no handbook for being the first man to give her the first experience. Is there?” – Dayo
“My first girlfriend didn’t even care that I was also a virgin at the time. I needed love as well. Why should it be about girls alone” – Dave
Kelvin almost had a mental breakdown, Dayo was scared to try, and Dave had his emotions to deal with. This is why you should think about the other party as well.
It should be your decision alone
This erases any form of regrets or mixed feelings. If he or she can’t wait for you to be ready for it, leave that relationship. You don’t want to remember that you were cajoled or deceived into an experience like that.
Besides, relationships like that don’t last long as it is based on the other party’s alone. When you can no longer give in to their demands, they leave.
Mixed feelings are normal
Grace, 28, has an experience as a penny for your thoughts.
“When I lost my virginity, I was very conscious of people’s thoughts about me. I thought they knew. I thought I would look different physically – like get fat or… I don’t know… look loose – or I would get infected with so many diseases. I also thought I would get pregnant immediately…lol. It was crazy!
In the long run, I realized that I was just being hysterical. Nothing of that sort happened to me. I think my parents only tried to instil fear in me so that I would not do it at a very young age. I also realized that I only had to be matured enough to take care of anything that would come up after and that thought helped me a lot.”
Losing your virginity can’t make you appear loose or dirty
This is why I have a problem with the statement, “I lost my virginity.” It should not be counted as a loss. Society counts this as a loss for the woman. You only gained your first experience. Why don’t men say “I lost my first spermatozoa?”
This is why we are talking about this in the first place. It should be seen as a gain and not a loss. This is also why the ideology behind a husband presenting a stained white handkerchief on his wedding night, after a first time with his bride, eludes me still. This happens mostly in some African societies. There should be a proof from the man as well.
Talk to the right people
Don’t talk to your boyfriend to avoid conflict of interests. It is safer with an elderly person. I would have suggested your parents as they are the perfect people to run to with such curiosity, but some parents can be very judgmental and they only push you farther away from them when they “overreact”.
But, if you have a very enlightened parent around that you can go to with your friends, please be free to share your concerns. Women are preferred for these kinds of discussions.
As I said before, experience is the best teacher but it should be at the right time. Therefore, do not feel pressured in anyway. There are so many things to worry about at a young age that should take your mind off sex.
Although, if such thoughts persist, pick up some informative books and read them to broaden your understanding on the topic.
Questions and comments are welcomed. Feel free to drop them in the comments section.
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See also: When your lifestyle becomes my business